It looks like a dead end but is it?

I like you all will never know whether I will get it. I have always been this close and then I lose sight. I love making love. I’m most happy there. It’s never a thing to do.it just happens between us. I just yearn to belong and it happens.the acknowledgment which in the otherwise life is not defined  by what I think will happen. There is always doubt. I have lived a huge part of my life in insecurities. Parents, lovers, pets. They all left. The one thing I have always been confident of is that I can create. I am my own man. I’m proud of that. But somehow just that. I still have problems running  my kitchen , paying expenses. I’m embarrassed . The only place I make myself at peace is when I create or when I’m making love. I think this should make me a very happy person. I agree if this also took care of the monetary responsibilities to run myself. I wonder what makes so many of us go those extra miles to achieve what we set out for. Probably emotional security helps. I donot have that. I donot have a family to start with. I have friends who love me but I do not have a mother who believes in me.i donot have a father who sits with me and says I will do him proud in whatever I do. I know people who have parents donot often have these experiences either. I donot have siblings who support in any which way. Probably the aloneness has been my strength, I have been able to walk away from people and situations that suffocated me. But I also know for the same reason I have been vulnerable and has been abused by the world in the name of family and love. Life has been a series of moving on . One thing led to another, one has not lived, one has just been. A crisis manager of ones life. I seek to live the life I dreamt of , so I worked hard  and made a capital to start working for myself and now reached a dead end, I’m told the model of my business is not right.   People just don’t pay. They want beautiful stuff to wear but they don’t wana pay. The reasons they give are: ” u see I can’t ask my husband  for the money ,hes so angry all the time , so much money is going towards building a new house” , ” oh! We are making a 5 star hotel , no money, wil cal u wen I have ..” ,” u are telling me you don’t have money to run the show? I will pay you in some time , I can’t pay such a huge amount in one go, my husband wil come to know u see..!”
I am not stupid. U must wonder how come I landed myself wth these divas! Well I didn’t know they were till they made me meet the thief in them. Till then they were nice ladies who would pay me on time, and then I trusted them , and they decided they can eat up my money.
I donot know why do I have to write this here. But the mere why made me do it. Sometimes I think of ” excusing ” myself from this rut called life. I donot see purpose. I also donot see my art. It’s of no consequence , sometimes. But I will only remember this life for what I did with it. My friend today told me that it’s again an all time low financially ,” do you have any idea of the market?”, he asked! I don’t.but what do I tell people I am indebted to? I did not do that so why do i Talk about inflation to them. I’m going to explore possibilities , see if I can  sell what I have made, see if my art take cares of the commerce of my life.
 ( another day)
I know it’s precious, this life! But I donot know where I am going.i am mid way , I think . The worst is I’m in doubt , the best is I donot regret the choices I have made. Parents demise 17 years back, gay , single, self made! That’s who I am. M I selling myself here? M I selling a story ? Are you going to buy it?  I really donot see purpose . When I look at the fall of my garments , the finesse! I see myself. I can touch who I am. I can spot. I am  all about creation. Isn’t  that beautiful? My production house might close down soon . I might move on  with the regret that I shouldn’t have. just yesterday the way the cloth fell from the needle on the stitching machine,  I saw how I have to let go. . all the stitches that I have sewn to make the garment of my life.
Well no biggie! Right ?
 ( and another)
I am one of the most restless  people I know. I eat fast. Very rarely enjoy my food. Always worried about deadlines . Think too much even while watching a film , think of various things. I don’t remember when was the last time I held myself .i also need a lover all the time in my sight, I donot feel secure otherwise. When he’s off to work I message him , I tell him I love him. I have to keep the connect, keep checking on that connect. My legs ache all the time. I am not going to gym lately , I donot have the energy to lift weights. I donot have the jest now .is it bocs I’m 37 or that I am in the process of losing my dream  that I had set out for. It has certainly I’ve me a high like never before but it has also weighed upon my soul, my self respect. It’s too difficult to churn this . I’m even tired of typing , my thoughts diverge they become a stare and then I’m out of it smelling the dampness in the air.i am sinking, my soul for sure is!  I donot like food anymore ,I donot drink water fr days. I need to be cajoled, to be warned . I know I’m in trouble lets call it dark. I sometimes have no energy to get out f this darkness it’s so comforting, I look healthy n fit. But, I m not. I donot know how do I push myself out of here. How do I trade my sadness with a smile. I really donot know.may be I thought writing about how I feel will let go off  so much negativity in me.but it’s only making me feel drowsy. Yes my legs ache and I long to have water.
i have no clue what life has to offer. I have no choice I do ? All I know probably is that I will not be what I set out for, one of my friends told me nt to be ambitious , he said  it takes  a lot from us. It’s not worth it , I donot know. All I know is I donot have the energy to even look back,it so tiring, in easy words I need a breaK
Kahe u been here?im sure all of you have. What did u do, it’s not that simple but I’m sure there are ways..
Ripple

Ripple

Life is not a question anymore , some moments , that’s what my life is made of. Thoughts in those moments, few sad faces, they look at me when I’m not looking at them, clenched in their teeth are some … Continue reading

Told him 1..

What can I say to you? What I donot know how do I articulate?

do u see the moon? Oh! How it lights up!

observe it at night . And then the sun?

rises in the sky – it burns in the day only!

they never say anything to each other. But in the precise moments of each evening,

they form a pact.

( pause)

Don’t return this book to me. And how do we move on?

never mind- let this relationship be 

at the Mercy 

of one book.

Letter

Dear mummy ,
I have lost . I will live , don’t worry but I have lost.,I can’t bear it any more, ihave an option of living wth the ones who love me . But I stay alone so I don’t move there cos im defeated. I don’t even know what I’m fighting with. My survival should not be such an issue in this universe. But I’m just very ambitious. I should not be perhaps cos I donot know . I’m still a donkey. Not fit to win this world I give up . I want to . Let me just resign . There is no way there is no point . Where do i go? I keep fuelling myself. WiTh thoughts of positivism every morning I bow under the sun and tell him to be with me .. To. Lead me to the right path .to believe in my fate. To believe in my creations but then I live on earth ..I deal with human beings ,,,cunning smarter., edgy. And ofcourse powerful .. They make me kneel, bow . Request .. I can’t do it any more .i m losing it. I donot know what u would have said if you were around. I donot know . So I’m only listening my heart . I know years down the line when I will be old this will look like a small obstacle and I will look back and resent , but I can’t. I will resent then , probably I will complain again and u will still be silent . 
Our fairness is under duress. It kills me . I feel alone . Like a small leaf .. Not taken care off. I need to belong mom . I need to go . I need to forget my ambitions. They are just taking me away from who I am.i have never gone that far , I have always been wth myself .i m hating who I am now.
Tired of this world.. I wana sit in a corner ,, unconcerned about humans.,I wana be immune to agony .. To someone’s plight. There are people who care for me ,, but I’m sad that I am going to them as a failure, I have no joy in this Walk. My shoulders bent n no heads held high. I resign mother . I do.
Mummy, I love you. I wish we could talk.

My weight on these boneless pages

 

The awareness of being alone after I have orgasm . That’s how close I wana be somebody . U might call me desperate but u know what I long for? I want to hug someone n sleep tight, I want a breathe near my ears. A head leaned on my shoulders.i know lots of us want it . I also know lots of us have it. I also know lots of us still long for it. I  have no superstitions attached to any kind of journey . i often wander ..,my mind wanders too. on a scale of 30 i got very good marks for being physically  fit at 37. I lost few points bcos of balance . i have none ! n u know what ? I am a  libran( just made a note to myself). I am sure psycologists must have a graph of intelligence against age. but then aren’t memories blurred wth a passage of time? i m asked like many if I am a loner. I guess ( laughs) I m when I am with people I donot connect wth . I also am when I do things I donot want to do or in spaces I donot want t be .the little boy who raced a big bus against a tiny bicycle lost the race. His shirt torn .. Bleeding on his left shoulder.slapped by the driver later to take sucha huge task ( I guess) or a brave one ( I had like to believe)!  I m that guy. I’m still that guy. I have  been alone in my victories ..like just when I’d finish a water colour painting or baking “khataies”. I could only share it with mummy.  I never slept in the afternoons .  Never played either. I just longed t be with someone. Always??a sister . A playmate..  Almost always. N I’m still very alone . I have a beautiful set of people who love  me for who I am. But then I live in my own body nah? I listen to my silences more often than their words. My silences are huge spaces of my childhood . I broke the window pane of a grocery shop and was arrested at 13 bcos he abused my mother or The moment I got an award in my first year of college . i wanted to see ,y mother lit was so dark there .i could hear people cheering for me, and i turned to see my boyfriend next to me. ( When love first strikes , theres nothing like it. even though after its over we might alter that memor to be able to ” move on”! or The day when I proposed my best friend ( A girl) and we got married. The day I realised I am adopted after 4years of my parents demise,  the first day I sneaked out f my house to make lve to a beautiful boy and continued sneaking for 3 years( I never slept in those years)… I know it looks like many lives, it looks like I am Desperate to impress someone wth a story . I’m not. I just want to allow myself to let go . I want to apologise for many moments that happened to me . I had barely ever given that a thought : to apologise. 
  You know one could live ones own version of life quite differently if situations and circumstances were given to us as a question paper. One has lived countless moments and when u rememberer them they are seldom like they happened. 
. ” I had no clue, man!” I wud say to a vacant thought.
“You know u can always put it in another way”
“of course: you always can !….aslong as ones not betraying”
……..” .as long as I’m delivering the feeling back very honestly.”
I know truth is also subjective but then I can only take responsibility of a moment , ye lama filhaal jee lene de. The guy who wrote these words is my idol. I cannot repay him  for what he gave me through his work . He taught me to live wth grace   though I’m not sure i have succeeded. im only going to travel with ease. A least I will try and on possible places I will leave my baggage, that I have been carrying for so long.
Am I putting a lot of weight on theses boneless pages?
I’m not complacent ,I donot keep imagining a life I have not got. I do at times wonder gods sense of humour to have such odd and extreme polarities in similar spaces.yes, I donot fantasise . Probably that’s why I didn’t sleep in my childhood. My parents fought like cats n dogs, been worse. My mother was constantly abused. Yes im very low on ambition now, and sadly imagination too! I use to  try to trick my memory into a different course.but it never helped. I was too naked to my self.. I had lived far too many moments without  mirrors.i knew my silences too well. I’m not too clever . I cannot leave my common sense at any point . But I didn’t say I. Cut for this world, I m quite a dumb guy really.
while I’m writing all this my mind is churning out phrases that I wil get as responses. ” he’s so nostalgic wth his past”, ” romancing his pain” ..all i can say to this n promise is that I’m nt inventing any past or present. I remember pleasure and pain just the way I feel them now. I promise that!

A foreword

This is the first  time I am writing a blog, it’s like opening a window to me, so many words n images stocked in my mind, they need to fly N sit before the world. Let the world judge me through them . I guess I’m doing this cos I need answers . I need closures, I’m not psyched or anything ,I just like to know, I need to know where I’m bleeding n where I have healed, I need to know I smile more often n I’m capable. I am open to words .. To reactions .. To anger ..to judgements .. To friends.. To ampathy.